My Ass is an Expansionist Nation

It has come to my attention in the last week that My Ass has become a nation unto itself and as such has chosen to begin a campaign of expansion into various areas of the world in a bid for clobal domination. My Ass wishes to announce it's plans for conquest in a step by step format to allow citizens in various countries to accept thier fate ahead of time. My Ass would like to make it clear that there is no point in fighting as My Ass is a mass unto itself and no amount of hacking, shooting, or bombing will remove enough of My Ass to make a difference. My Ass also expands exponentially and does not require any supplies to do so, any attempts at building walls or damns is also useless as they will eventually be crushed under the weight of My Ass or My Ass will simply spill over them.

My Ass would like the citizens of world to note that not many will be harmed, and those that are deserved it, in this take over. Rather they will be allowed to continue thier existance as members of a new world under My Ass. The unfortunate downside to the expansion of My Ass over the land is the blocking of the sun. My Ass reccomends people begin research on technology to simulate sunlight to grow food, or to prepare to import food from the crack in My Ass that will be left to allow a fertile strip of land.

The Plan of Unification under My Ass follows:

1) My Ass will begin at the University of Calgary and spread through the city and surrounding area to cover Southern Alberta. Edmonton will be sacked (all refrigerators will be saved, see 2)and burned, her citizens will be moved to Saskatchewan or Africa at thier discretion. Ralph Klien will be taken captive to be delt with later. (See 2)

2) My Ass will then expand through the north of Alberta and proceed through all the Territories. These lands will be kept under special protection for thier economic and cultural diversity. All refrigerators to be moved to the north, plugged in to a Giant tredmill/generator. Ralph Klien is placed on this treadmil and a bottle of Grasshoper Ale is dangled in front of him.

3) My Ass will then encircle the North Pole, leaving Santa alone on the condition that he provide another Christmas in Summer, and that poor children be aloted a greater precentage of the presents then those with wealthy parents. Elves will be freed from slavery under Santa Clause but will keep thier jobs at the factory, under a new union supplied by My Ass. Mrs. Clause will be made Administrative Head of the North Pole over Santa and will e-mail My Ass a copy of the Naughty/Nice for approval. All Polar Bears, Caribou etc are offically protected and are giver lazer beams to defend themselves.

4) Upon succeful capture of the North Pole My Ass will expand into Alaska which will remain a Wild Life preserve. All humans not wearing an offical TOURIST vest will be killed on site by members of Green Peace and Ex-KGB members hired to patrol the area. Any drilling equipment will be converted into monuments to deserving and unrecognized freedom fighters etc, selected by My Ass and then voted upon by the people of the area the statue will be placed in. Anyone found comparing this system to American Idol will be deported to Antartica where they will clean the snows and protect Emperor Penguins.

5) Upon the establishment of the New World, American Idol and all it's spin offs will be canceled and all thier judges executed, with the except of the Simon Cowell who will become Minister of Propaganda. All Survior type shows will also be canceled. People who wish to test thier survial skills will be sent into Africa where they will set up affordable Clinics and shelters as well as help build water treatment plants. They will not be provided homes or any phrase books etc to help them. They may bring one non-electronic comfort item with them. My Ass reccomdends large quantities of toilet paper. Those who wish to test thier edurance etc as in Fear Factor will be sent to various research facilities around the world where they will be forced to eat new strains of food being created for areas with poor soil and no sun.

6) My Ass will then proceed to British Columbia which will become a safe haven for imigrants should they chose to move upon the establishment of the New world. BC will be deivided in two with the side closest to Alberta being hot boxed by My Ass. Pot smoking will be mandatory in this area.

7) My Ass wiil then expand eastward over Saskatchewan and Manitoba(My Ass will sleep through this part of the trip, perhaps stoping for a burger in Regina). My Ass isn't really sure what to do with these areas... they'll just grow wheat and canola for now. A crack will be made to provide them with sun, and if they bitch there's too much My Ass will be so pissed.

8) Upon reaching Ontario and Quebec My Ass will instiute reforms on air quality, eliminating smog days as quickly as possible. Toronto will be renamed "The Dumpster of the Universe" and anyone found refering to it, or thinking of it as "The Center of the Universe" will be exectuted or launched into space in search of black holes. The "Great Toronto area" will be removed from the oppresion of Toronto proper and allowed to exist as civilized peoples once again. Quebec will be stripped of it's language laws. This is not to say that My Ass whishes them to lose thier language; on the contrary My Ass wants to encourage people to experience French Canadian culture and believes that just because this envolves being an jerk does not mean that it needs to be advertised. The Parliment in Ottawa will be allowed to stand and will be used as the center for representatives of My Ass during thier time in Canada. Also the Parliment will be made accesable to tourists, cause it's cool. My Ass will also take Prime Minister Harper, Stockwell Day, and the rest of the Cabinet (oposition party as well) and place them in the same tredmill as Ralph Klien (see 2)where they will attempt to catch a bag of money dangled in front of them. The day they are removed will be made a civic Holiday called "Fuck that!" day.

9) My Ass will then proceed into Eastern Canada and Screech will be made available on a mass scale. Newfie will be recognized as a language unto itself and dictonaries will be made available. Fishing will still be encouraged, though My Ass wishes for fishermen to stay in on days of poor conditions. These days will be announced like snow days for schools, and the families will be compinsated.

10) Once Canada is fully untied under My Ass, it will be left to function as normal under the supervision of University educated Political Science majors who will be forbiden to create political parties and who will be rotated through various posts through thier 3 year term and then sent back into the world.

11) My Ass will then turn its attention to the USA. The whole of the USA will be conquered at once and anyone who classifies themselves as Right, Red, or Patriotic will be reducated, via firing squad. The White House will become a hostel for all Victims of Hurricane. New Orleans will be rebuilt and geared towards both partying and education. New York will be evacuated to New Jersey for the cleaning of the city, which will be done by highly skilled and trained sanitation personel. Housing conditions will be improved as needed. The Subway system will be simplified as much as possible, or at the least, the maps made clearer. My Ass will then have the New Yorkers returned, and the people of New Jersey moved to New York for the cleaning of thier city (most of which was dirited by the New Yorkers during thier stay). The people of Wisconsion will be thanked for thier Cheese and the Cheese Head will be made their offical headgear. Miami will be made a safe haven for immigrants. Florida, with the exception of Disney World and area, as well as Miami will be converted to a Retirement State offically. Texas, now empty after the reeducation of the Right Wingers will be converted to low income housing for the various peoples in need from all over the world. Hollywood will be allowed to continue to operate but My Ass will require that all movies be made available online for free and thier profits be made via donations as well as made available in theaters. Theaters the world over will not be allowed to charge obcene prices for food! My Ass encourages them to make a profit, but to be reasonable. My Ass means it. Mr. Bush and the rest of his government will be shipped to the Treadmil(see 2) and forced to chase a can of oil. Hawaii will be left to keep being cool and will be allowed to build new islands if it wants, so long as My Ass gets comped a weeks vacation there each year. Hawaii will be given a crack in My Ass for sunlight. Bill Gates will be sent to the treadmil (see 2) and Microsoft and it's extensions will become the property of My Ass. All censorship etc will be removed from Microsoft software. MAC will also be the property of My Ass and the two will be fused into a kick ass computer! Finally! And Linux.. well.. they can come too I guess.. if you want. The USA is left to the care of Jon Stweart who will continue to produce his show and have My Ass as guest sometime soon, check local listings.

12) My Ass will then move across the Atlantic and move across Eastern Europe and the other stuff that's over there. We will improve conditions as needed. Switzerland will be made the offical Land of Chocolate and Kives. Eastern Europe will be left in the care of Sweeden as a whole, because they are doing a good job. My Ass will also encourage the preservation of war memorials and ruins as well as ancient castles etc to be viewed by tourists for educational purposes. Russia will be thanked for the idea of mass organization, but disgoraged from ever attempting comunism again. The mob will be curtailed and forced to go legit.

13) My Ass will move into France and force it's women to shave thier fucking armpits, though they may remain topless if they wish. France will also be forced to recognized that there are other French people in the world and that they are no better than anyone else. French students will be placed in charge of all Movements enacted by My Ass for the benifit of the new world. From France My Ass will continue into Italy and Greece which will be deemed Historical Lands and nobody had better mess with them. People will be required to visit as part of thier education and see just how fragile society can be. The Pope and his followers will be allowed to continue to live in Rome though they will no longer be thier own state and they will be required to stop preaching hatred. Further My Ass will have a say in the selection of any Popes. These lands will be left in the care of various Museum curators and Archeaologists.

14) My Ass views the Middle East as a special place. All troops will be removed and all governments will be abolished. People will be fed, clothed and given shelter and education. Religious freedom will be enforced by a troop of Atheists funded by the former United States military budget. The Middle East will be rebuilt in a way seen fit by it's people (and approved by My Ass). Isreal is here to stay, deal with it. We live Jew-land, the Jews are cool. They make good potato pancakes, man. My Ass will remove all bombs from the area, and will fill all caves with rubble. Egypt will be designated a Historical Land and Zahi Hawaz (fuck if My Ass cares how to spell his name) will be removed from his place in Egyptian Archeology. He will be moved to the treadmill (see 2) and will not chase anything, rather he will be placed in the middle of all the beurocrats and have to run for his life, naked. My Ass will then remove all sanctions and secrecy set by this man that has prevents full discloser of Ancient Egyptian history. These lands will be left in the care of a team of Archeaologists etc and that hunky Josh Bernstein from Digging for the Truth. My Ass likes him.

15) My Ass will progress to Africa where a stable economy will be raised, along wih the aformentioned health clinics etc (see 5). Africa will be turned into a wild life preserve as well as become a major tourist destination as My Ass has deemed it worth a crack for sunlight. Africa will be left in the hands of Nelson Mandella for the time being, though My Ass will be watching.

16) My Ass will conquer China and give it sufficent sunlight to become the grain basket of of the world. All labour from sweat shops will be moved to agricultural production. Hong Kong will be left in the care of Jackie Chan and will become the capital of China. The rest of China will be led by the cast of Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon. Tibet will be freed. My Ass thinks the monks are cool and harmless. Also religious freedom will be restored to China, and all censorship will be removed.

17) My Ass will then move to Japan which will become a model for urban living and efficency and will be mimiced across the world. The police force will be forced to deal with rapes and more measures to prevent suicides will be made. All anime and manga companies will be given government grants as My Ass loves anime and considers it an amazing art form. Japan will be left in the care of Emperess Hello Kitty and the current government under the supervision of My Ass.

18) Korea, Tiwan, the Philipians etc will all become part of the New world under My Ass and will be ecouraged to achieve economic prosperty in ways other than the sex trade. A special task force of mothering old ladies and unics will be sent to help protect the children from pedophiles. This force will have lazers. Beware. These lands will be left in the control of various leaders who will be apointed as needed by My Ass.

19) My Ass will then take over Australia. Kangaroos and Koalas will be given free reign of the land and right of way at crosswalks. All the rest will remain. The outback will coverted to farmland over time and Australia will recieve a crack for sunlight. This land will be left in the care of it's current handlers. No, My Ass will not punish the Crocodile Hunter. He's a good guy, but My Ass will be giving him a nanny to supervise him and make sure he doesn't cause problems for his children. This nanny will be called the Crocodile Hunter Hunter and will have her own TV show.

20) My Ass wil then take over the U.K. Scotland will be given proper government in exchange for developing bagpipes with a volume knob. Ireland will be united, deal with it. The Northern Irelanders are immigrants alright, they've been there for a long time, they're not leaving. Yes South of Ireland is better, but it's not worth killing over. Don't make My Ass get the lazers. My Ass will then alter the British
Monarchy, who will be allowed to keep living as they do, provided they allow more tourists into Windsor Castle etc. The Queen may retain all her place as a figure head, but more in the sense that a pop star is a figure head and will have even less political power. Prince Charles will be required to have his ears pinned back. The red double-decker buses will stay in service but will not be used as public transit rather as tour coaches for tourists. These lands will be left in the hands of U2, The Proclaimers and Prince William because he seems to have a good head on his shoulders.

21) My Ass will then take over South America, Mexico, Cuba and the rest of the lands not yet conquered with the exception of Antarctica, which have yet been untouched. These lands will be given new economies as thier historical sites are added to a list of must see's that My Ass will draft shortly. The Rainforest will be replanted and left alone, the trees will be given lazers as will all the native peoples living in the forest. Shakira will be taken to the treadmill (See 2) and forced to run fully clothed and not grind against anything, as will Cristina Agularia. Ricky Martin will be spared because he knew when to get the hell out. The lands will be left in the care of a someone My Ass deems educated and responsible who will be found soon.. hopefully.

22) My Ass will then hover on the edge of Antarctica which will be left to the Emperor Penguins who will be served by the humans mentioned previously (see 4). The Penguins are the damned coolest thing ever, better than the platipus! Seriously! My Ass declares that they will be treated as royalty.

24)The Educational system currently available iwill be removed and all schools demolished. All children will be educated in the fashion dictated by the New world in clean, brightly lit, comfortable schools. UNIVERSITY WILL BE CHEAP CHEAP CHEAP! MY ASS MEANS IT DAMN IT! And no profs will have tenure, ever! Get a grant you jerk off.Religion will be part of the curriculum in a course titled "World Religions where all religions are presented equally and all students are to celebrate the diversity of the world around them. Teachers will be paid as much as doctors and nurses (who will recieve a raise as well) and other health care workers, and all of the above will be honored once a year on "Essential Personale Day" which can be likened to Mother's or Father's day. This will be a civic holiday, and those members of the Essential services who are required to work in all countires will be given free concert/movie tickets for the year. Further sports players will not be as highly paid as these people and will recieve pay by thier skill. Movie stars will also be paid on this sort of scale, and plastic surgery will not give you a boost.

25) Religious freedom will be mantatory.

26) Spelling will never count.

27) Sex will not be stigmatized. Being gay etc is declared fine by My Ass. So is adoption by couples of any kind deemed suitable parents.

28) The Internet will be in every home and bussines.

29) My Ass reserves the right to alter any and all statements and laws as it sees fit.

30) If anyone calles My Ass fat, they will be sent to the treadmill (see 2).

Punkrawk4all's darkside uncovered at 5:33 PM 2 comments

Return to Slacking in Class

I am bored. Very very bored. How my prof has manged to make such interesting material so boring is beyond me, yet here we are.

Oh well.

I really should be filling you all in I guess, I kinda diappeared for a while there. :p

I got at second job at House of Knives now, which is quiet nice. It's been really fun, despite cutting myself once and ripping a lot of skin off my thumb openeing and closing knives. The silly thing is, I got the second job because I wasn't getting enough hours at Fruits and Passion, but the owner is still hiring more people! I don't get it! Ugg. Oh well...

Anyway, other than that, I got a credit card (been using it a bit) and my airmiles card a few days ago, which is nice. Just gotta get off my ass and do the passport thing and I'm good to go to the states.

So I'm sitting in my class, being bored out of my head, again. It's bad. Just bad. That's all I can say because my mind is turning to a liquid and trying to ooze out my head from my ears.

After class I'm gonna go meet some of the gang in Machall to chill for a bit. Then home to rest and maybe do a little homework. Gotta do a bunch tommorow after work. Stupid class, and jobs and drivers ed, destroying my free time.

I'm tired.

Punkrawk4all's darkside uncovered at 5:21 PM 0 comments